Blow up

Well dear friends I had another blow up today. I lost about -20% today. Yes it's possible, it happened. I was like in March in self destructive mode, averaged a loser and that's it. I didn't pull brakes and made lower low in my account. Like before I believe that it's good. Why? Well the way that I trade doesn't work. So if this is the only way to stop doing it than be it. By that I don't think on scalping and taking small profits, trading of 10sec chart. Trading without stops doesn't work. I can go through same process 10 times again, build slowly and than lose control and lose everything build in one averaging session. I could today go out with much smaller loss, even with usual averaging that I do, but I think that I didn't want to do that. It wouldn't have an impact. Now when I don't know what to do next there is impact.

I always tell myself in similar situations that all what is needed is take a stop of max 20 pips and that's it. But with all comments from Orion, learning, I never go that extra mile. I suppress taking stops wanting to have 100% winning trading. That's ridiculous, but in few short words you can tell just that about my trading. I probably don't believe that I would be net positive with taking stops and don't want to face it if that is reality. I don't want to change methods, I don't want to follow rules. Well in the end this is result. We all hear about how 90% traders fail, well this is how it is when it's happening. I can't lean on averaging if I want t4l, so why even try to win anything with averaging and not taking stops?

Now I don't feel bad, I feel light. All that suppressing was on my chest and now when I had so big loss after suppressing all small losses that is so good. I felt that way in March also and after that I had 10 positive weeks. Well now I know that it's not a goal to be positive but to trade on proper way.

I don't know what to do next regrading trading, how to setup things. It's too early for that. I'm not in that usual quiting mode that people have when they fail big way. I got to accept that trading may never work for me and that there is no guarantee of success. That's also the thing that I suppress. I don't treat trading like a business with acceptance of the fact that it may fail. That is probably because I count on trading in my life to accomplish some goals with it. That's wrong. You can try, but you can't count and believe in guarantee. It's all irrational I know but those are the facts. Knowing that all is probably helping a little because I don't feel that I'm in a dark. On the other hand it doesn't solve things just by knowing what are the problems.

I'm tired of doing bad things, fighting. It would be easier if I could come to that all without the day like today. I feel like I write obituary. Well let it be one of bad trader. Maybe good one came out.

When it's all finished I feel puzzled why I need that big loss, why didn't I pull a brake earlier. I don't know. I can just guess like I did with this post.
If I can't trade on a proper way, for example with taking stops than it's really better not to trade at all. Just waste of money and time.